i digress.

Mikey a.k.a. I’m Mikey, I Rock a.k.a. Crack No Rehab : http://cracknorehab.blogspot.com/

And of course, me.

No superstar guest appearances, no convoluted R&B hooks.. no high profile producers and big budget videos.. just niggas doin’ what they do best.. we banged niggas over the head with this one.. that Voltron status is no joke.. in its original incarnation this shit was about 800 paragraphs too long for a single read, so I’ll chop it up into parts and hit you with that piff.. you should have the whole thing within a week though, so without no further ado I present………


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Contrary to what the Declaration of Independence states, all men are not created equal.. anyone who’s had the privellege of looking down my pants can attest to that fact.. but outside of my own supernatural girth, although this country has undeniably taken great steps towards some semblance of parity, my black ass will still have a 99.74% success rate of getting pulled over by 5-0 should I dare cross the invisible line and opt to procure a vehicle over $30k.. I’m just sayin’.. so in my 27 years of keeping the jigaboo flag afloat, I’ve stumbled across an infinite well of knowledge, pussy, and life lessons.. at 6 I realized that the only G.I. Joe that looked like me wouldn’t ever shut the fuck up.. at 8 I learned that Michael Jackson wasn’t just extraordinarily ashy.. he had, in fact, jumped in a cocoon and came out a hideous white woman.. at 12 I learned that only white people eat Grape Nuts.. at 16 I learned who The Beatles were, then proceeded to not give a fuck for the duration of my modest existence.. at 21 I learned it was all pink in the middle.. and somewhere along my merry way, I learned that there is no conceivable sum of swag on the entire fucking Earth that will permit you to save face should you be spotted beatin’ up your speakers to the wrong shit in public..

So to school niggas on proper stereo etiquette, I’ve rallied the troops, loaded the cannons, and we’ve taken to the friendly skies to drop ether on your delicate ass playlist.. ladies and gentlemen, I present..

The Top 6 Songs A Black Man Should Never Bump In Public.

Rick Astley. "Never Gonna Give You Up".


The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™: Michael McDonald, Michael Bolton, and Michael Jackson be damned, this is the blackest white song ever.. ever? EVER.. that said, is imitation truly the bastard child of flattery? We got this bootleg ass Doogie Howser MD goin’ clean the fuck off with the vocals, and contrary to popular belief, his two step game is superb.. in fact, fuck what them throwback niggas in the club tell you, Mr. Astley was impregnated by Soul Power and gave birth to the default special move of niggas high-yellow to "floating teeth-purple" everywhere; the iniquitous two-step.. we modern day negroids can lay a reluctant claim to snap music and Crayola box-inspired jewelry, but Rick and his melanin deficiencies hold the sole copyrights to the two-step and their ensuing blues.. every nigga on Earth who can’t dance for shit should get on bended knee, shove Boyz II Men out the way, and pay their respects by making sweet love to his pinky ring.. he’s got the moves, the shades, and some random, spandex-clad nigga running up the wall in his video? How in the red, white, and blue fuck is it even remotely possible to hate on my honorary nigga Rick? That said, somebody’s gun is still destined to go off in your direction should you chose to bump this junt in public.. and sans warning, should you be dumb brave enough to do so anyway, you better pray to God you hit nothing but green lights.. I’m bad with numbers, but that zero to 60 ain’t seein’ those eight in the chamber, homie..


Mr. Jolla: Toledo Two-Stepping motherfucker…This Pre-Robin Thicke son of a bitch didn’t just have the nerve to sound authentic-Black…he didn’t just have the nerve to be doing a move reminiscent of Carlton singing Tom Jones…he had the unmitigated gall to have SamBo Jackson hard at work in this video. This NIGGA was working the bar, taking out trash, cutting grass, edged up Rick Astley’s sideburns AND ran up a wall and did a back-flip…complete with gay pose at the end like he was waiting to be judged for his point total. Okay, only two of those aforementioned things took place, but you better believe that the back-flip was one of them. That being said, the song itself isn’t even bad…but there’s no way you can sit in your ride with your rims all shined up, fitted on backwards…scratch that…fitted ON…and bump this shit unapologetically. It’s not happening. If you’re so bold to have this shit playing and get pulled up on by ANY race, you better have your hand remotely close to the "change track" button, and act like it’s the radio or some shit.

*Looks Over and makes that "Damn I can’t Believe They’re Playing This" face*

"Damn….I haven’t heard this shit in ages! Classic….ah well." And change that fucking "channel" fam…we’re trying to save lives here…


A Genius: Truest of stories, I had NO IDEA what yall niggas were talking about with this shit. I’ve never seen the title…never seen the name. None of that shit. I wanted to participate so I jumped on Limewire and DLed that shit quick fast and I must say…yall niggas are the gayest straight niggas in the world for even knowing anything about this shit. Yall should be ashamed…seriously. I got 24 seconds into that shit and threw my central processing unit clean out the fucking window. Violation! Somebody needs to shoot. I know one damn thing…yall niggas need to pool some cake and get me another computer. Yall niggas owe me for this shit. That was seriously the gayest 24 seconds of my life. I have to do some super fucking to redeem and cleanse myself of that shit. I’m going to throw on the cape like a Magic player, no HIV…but I feel sorry for my girl tonight. I’m gonna hit her heart like a love song. Fuck listening in public…you’re not allowed to listen to that shit AT ALL. PERIOD. That shit was 80’s gay…the worst kind of gay there is. I will be typing the remainder of this shit on my Dash.


Crack No Rehab: I am hip to this song because of family guy and fuck what Teef said this is my shit. That is it would be my shit but my love of vagina over powers my urge to press play. Rick Astley was getting bitches off this though. His swag must have been epic, "Hey Rick, we gonna dress you up for the video shoot?" He said fuck the 80’s fuck that flashy shit, give me a fresh pair of Dockers and let me roll up my sleeves. Niggas was on 10 layers of make up, 6 inch heels, David Boey shit and he came through and said "Not Me." But that didn’t carry though to his music cause I don’t care this shit is gay, inflation makes it even gayer now then it was in the 80’s. You get 2 points on your license and 3 tickets to Broadway automatically for bumping this. White people can’t even sleep easy on this one cause I’ll pull Trent’s card too if I catch him slipping.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .