i digress.

Beyonce and her lopsided eyebrows can kick rocks.




“If I Were A Boy” is a sonic smear campaign of epic proportions.. I mean, what the fuck? What office is she running for with this nonsense? Obama ALREADY pulled off the combo breaker of the century.. stop being greedy! Fall back and join the ride, on some Hilary Clinton shit.. If I was Hov, I’d bitch slap her with my bottom lip for such insolence..

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone

Really, Beyonce?

Is that what you did to to LaTavia & LeToya? Or did you reserve the rights on that special move for Ms. Farrah Franklin?

Seriously though, are you dense? Why turn that junt off when I can just put the phone on silent and just ignore your ass to my heart's content? My phone is my sole conduit to the rest of the free world.. what would life be like without photoshopped picture mail spam of grandmothers juggling their own gravity ravaged breasts? You know how much merriment was welcomed into my world the morning of the 25th, when ex-girlfriends I literally forgot existed forwarded me texts wishing me a Merry Christmas? Sure, they sent the same one to about a hundred other people, but that’s beside the point.. my phone is my LIFE.. I mean, damn.. how else do you think I spend so much time on ESPN.com and Hoopsworld? You really think I’m about to deny myself the God given right to MY OWN PHONE by turning it off just to ignore YOUR calls? Nigga, are you serious? I went to the crib and fell asleep! Don’t believe me? Smell my finger! Shit!

I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

Yeah, cuz women NEVER put THEMSELVES first, Ms. Knowles.. if I see a woman gettin’ her ass beat on the street by a renegade bum, am I not expected to throw on the cape, stop the madness, and dropkick homepiss in the temple?

Yes.

If I’M getting MY ass kicked up and down the street by said belligerent bum, and ol’ girl bears witness to ME gettin’ served like Raz B's prostate, do you truly believe, in your heart of hearts, that she’ll lift a finger to captain MY black ass? I wouldn’t even ask for much! Just pelt homepiss with a rock and run! Or hell, jump in your ride and Halle Berry his ass.. 5-0 comes? I didn’t see SHIT!



But would any of the above happen? Nope.. cuz she’s selfish! So FUCK YOU, Beyonce!

Seriously though, the more I analyze this song, the more I truly believe she’s sneak dissin’ Jay-Z.. I mean, it’d make perfect sense.. that IS what rappers do, right? Them niggas will pop off on wax ALL FUCKIN’ DAY, hog tie a nigga's moms and decorate their chillins with bullet holes, but when the DJ puts a mic in their face and asks for clarification, they get to tap dancin’ like Gregory Hines.. if you have a problem with your 42 year old pet camel fucking everyone and their grandmother on his albums & snackin' on your front lawn, take it up with that nigga and stop empowering the kids MY black ass has to deal with, with your bullshit..

The Greatest Rapper of All Time, that's Nas for you small bus niggas, made a song about fucking the entire free world-- and Kelis did the damn INTRO on that junt! Talk about the ultimate co-sign.. “Yeah, bitch! You gave him Trick, but he’s fucking ME now! He’s miiiiiiiiiiine, you may have had him once, but I got him all the tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime..” Now THAT’S a ride or die chick.. you think Beyonce would do that? Hell AND no.. she’d snatch the mic, dance like Carlton Banks, and assault our eardrums with that terrible Charlie’s Angels song..

But since I’m an equal opportunity dude, I got something for you too, Beyonce.. cuz you and your mythical band of faultless harlots aren’t above public crucifixion either.. I'm taking the tar and guilitine to your monkey ass.. Somebody cue up Reason.. I got that Large Pro remix on deck, complete with Young Jeezy adlibs, got dammit..

If I was a girl
I’d wait ‘til your sleepy
Then begin a 7 hour conversation about why you don’t like my mother
Then cry & bitch when you don’t wanna talk
Cuz you have to be up for work in 4 hours

If I had a vagina
I’d buy a tight ass dress knowing rent is due in 2 days
Then ask you if it makes me look fat
Knowing gotdamn well it does
Then cry uncontrollably when you confirm that fact and call you a jerk

If I had some titties
I’d cry about nothing
The mail late? Nigga, I’m crying
No gas in my car? Nigga, I’m crying

If I could conceive
I’d buy me a weave
And some fake nails, and some make up, and a girdle
And a push up bra
Then tell you how you look like shit
And remind you of how fine I am

If I had two X chromosomes
I’d invite you to my home
Then act funny when you try to take the pussy
Even though you just spent $200 on dinner
But we can’t have a second date? Nigga, I’m crying

Fuck you, Beyonce!

FIN.