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Once upon a dream, in a land not so far away, and a time much closer than I care to admit, I hit up my loving co-inhabitant Beezy B about reviewing The-Dream’s seminal “Love Vs. Money” for our next collab review.. needless to say, she brutally rebuffed said notion.. and try as I may countless times thereafter, I was met with the same stubborn mule kick to my pride.. not wanting Darius “The-Dream” Nash to suffer the same fate as Edgar Allen Poe, a man who’s brilliance wasn’t appreciated until he had long been using his rib cage as a buffet table for maggots, I took it upon myself to carry the torch alone, and share his brand of joy, praise, and sonic gospel with the rest of you.. consider yourself blessed..Fortunately enough for you, I broke it up into two parts.. 14 tracks, 14 testaments of truth, spirituality, and fornication.. The-Dream isn’t a musician, and he's much bigger than any movement... he’s a religion.
Now let us come before him in reverence and pray.. bow your head, nigga.
1. Love Vs. Money Intro – I can’t tell who’s on top, but yo.. is that Optimus Prime fucking a Honda Accord?
2. Rockin’ That Shit – Contrary to popular belief, I’ve been a sucka for love ass nigga my entire life.. that said, I find absolutely nothing wrong with a song about a chick so bad, you fall in love with her body on sight.. hell, I felt the exact same way about Mo’nique when I saw her shakin’ it up to Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” at the ’07 BET Awards.. that shit had me so hot and horny, I had to wipe the beads of sweat off my forehead with a ham sandwich.. All jokes aside, I wonder if that hook could actually work as a pickup line? “Girl, I’m in love with you, baby / And I want you to know / That I’m hooked on your body / And I’m tryin’ to be yours” .. How could anybody with two breasts and a pulse NOT wanna fuck me after having that cooed into their ear canal? The-Dream is a hopeless romantic trapped in the husk of a tone deaf nigger named Darius….. believe.
3. Walkin’ On The Moon – If I were to hit up Vegas, and was asked to place a million dollar wager on what Perez Hilton's alarm clock sounds like, I’d be a rich muhfucka.. Why? Cuz I wouldn’t even need to ask Regis for a lifeline.. “Nigga, that shit GOTTA sound like the beat on ‘Walkin’ On The Moon!”.. you gotdamn right.. this shit is knocks, but I’d be lying my ass off if I didn’t admit my fingers get possessed by The Ghost of Freddie Mercury, and try their damndest to snap in intricate Z-formations.. that said, when The-Dream isn’t wasting his time butchering the high notes, Kanye sounds quite at home over this beat.. Dare I ask why? Bravo, Darius.. The Ambiguously Gay Duo would be quite proud..
4. My Love – You know, back when we still weren’t sure if we were supposed to claim Mariah or not, she was (keyword being was) the truth.. “Vision of Love”, “Someday”, “Emotions”, “Dream Lover”.. all that shit knocked.. but once she revealed to the world that she too fine dined on fried chicken and watermelon, and had a mortal fear of swimming, it’s been a crap shoot since.. I also find it ironic she somehow forgot how to really sing around that time as well, and much like marriage, it’s only gotten worse with time.. now all she does is get naked, dry hump couches and cars, and do that whisper crap every opportunity she gets.. Which, oh yeah, brings me to this “song”.. I swear to God, I’ve heard this “song” about 8,914,526 times already.. “Niggas hatin’ on us cuz we fuck like rabbits, make out in public, and fondle each other in church.. but got dammit, you’re my bitch and I love you, ho! Now let’s make a sex tape and leak it on Twitter!” This song is almost as wack as Nick Cannon’s “Wildin’ Out”.. yeah, fuck you too, Nicholas (no Marshall Mathers).
5. Put It Down – I know there’s a lot of fairytales and vastly exaggerated body counts in rap music, but I like my R&B as honest and straight forward as possible.. there is nothing remotely engrossing about a nigga dedicating five minutes and two seconds of his life to bragging on his dick, BEFORE conquering Puff The Magic Pussy Dragon.. for those out the loop, absolutely NOTHING good can come from bragging on your dick before beatin’ up the push bush.. why? Because expectations are reserved for those who want their feelings hurt.. “I’ma fuck the shit out you, baby! I’ma have you screaming so loud you’ll wake up your ancestors! I got that Eifel Tower right HERE! I’ll stamp your passport with these big ass balls, girl! Now get naked!” Nigga please.. that’s why I tell women about my four inches of fury before hand.. you can’t be disappointed if I already told your ass, right? Expectations, nigga!
6. Sweat It Out – “Girl, call Laticia, your beautician / Tell her your hair is gonna need fixin’”.. Oh hellllllll yes… is this the quintessential baby maker I hear?! I do believe so, Charlie Brown.. Darius channels his inner
“We trade affection, as I mess up her bangs,
Hair everywhere, all in her face,
Didn’t mean to mess up a good thing, but I needed you baby,
Don’t be mad at me, you should’ve got braids”
Incredible.
TO BE CONTINUED. . .