i digress.

I feel like Will Smith at the end of “I Am Legend”.

You know the part where Will’s pleading “Stop! I can save you!” to DMX’s wife & her in-laws? But they ain’t tryin’ to hear it cuz they think the nigga has crack stashed in his lab? So he has this sad look in his eyes like he just accidentally saw T-Pain naked? But them goooooooons lurkin’, so he’s left with no choice other than to pull the pin out of the grenade & rid the world of crackheads and ugly ass, Boston Terrier-faced women all in one, single selfless act?

I’m really on that level that right now.

Diddy, you’re my nigga, but you’re fucking up major, potna.. your label is a shell of a shell of itself, and it’s not like you’re oblivious to it, it’s like you genuinely don’t give a fuck, and as a nigga that's been down for you since day one, word to heartburn that hurts my heart.. back in the day Bad Boy ran this music shit.. I’d be the FIRST nigga at the store to cop (meaning steal, I was a deviant in those days) anything with that logo on it.. Shiny Suit Man changed my life, fuck what The Lox was talkin’ about.. you need that return to glory.. Sean, you need that old thing back.. I’m here for you, Sean.. Stop! I can save you!

I’m really feeling like Kim on “I Wanna Work For Diddy” right now.. so here’s my audition tape.. How would I go about throwing on the cape & saving your label? Let me clear my throat..

1. You’re Fired. Nothing personal, my nig.. the honeymoon was great while it lasted, but you’re just here now to bring bad press & fuck up the team, like Stephon Marbury.. and we at Bad Boy Entertainment can’t have that.. but seriously, you have way too much goin’ on.. the colognes, the TV shows, the clothing line, you got the movies and plays crackin’.. nigga, you've got more jobs than a temp agency.. you don’t have THE TIME to run this junt.. take this pink slip and keep it movin’.. you’re still affiliated, you just won’t be calling the shots anymore.. now, I know that's hard to swallow for an egomaniac of your caliber, but I assure you, it's for the best.. now get the fuck out my office before I call security on you.. I'll apprise you of your new position shortly..

2. Find The Bench Some Minutes. As much as I like the Making The Band cast (that Day26 album went surprisingly hard), do you truly believe, in your heart of hearts, that they’re enough to return you to your former glory? You’re the biggest act on your own label for a reason.. television show aside, Day26 and Donnie Timberlake barely got any promotion, & I don’t even think Danity Kane (I wanna fondle Andrea..... twice) got a second single, after bangin’ niggas over the head with “Damaged”.. how in the red, white, & blue fuck does that even happen? How do you drop the ball in the endzone? You just made a 75 yard INT return! Nigga, I work with kids.. that song was EVERYWHERE! I couldn’t take a piss without the dude handin’ out paper towels in the bathroom even whistling that shit.. last time I checked, that's a sure sign of a pretty big hit..

A lack of promotion tells me that even YOU don’t believe in these niggas.. last time I checked, that was one of the major purposes of even UTILIZING a major label.. if you truly believed in something, you would gamble on it.. and your actions are telling us you don't believe in these modern day niggas for shit.. they're on Tooth Fairy status, as far as you're concerned.. Day26 could’ve went indie, opened at Rock The Bells, & made out like bandits instead of fucking around with your ass.. who in the hell signs with a major to remain a nobody? They KNOW they're gettin' fucked in the pockets, but you trade that out for the privellege of being mobbed at the mall by big tittied white girls (cute being an optional feature on the newest model)..

But like I was saying said, no promo translates into a genuine lack of faith.. you got a bench FULL of dope ass niggas (namely Los & Aasim, you fucked up passing on Royce The 5'9" you fucking ingrate) that need some damn playing time.. a guest spot, a video cameo, SOMETHING.. these niggas are in the horse stable starving with empty ass feed bags.. if you’re not gonna support your starters, let the bench get in & wreck shit.. if they fail, they fail.. but to NOT put their shit out cuz you THINK they won’t sell, when your franchise players are shooting airballs, is fucking asinine.. if Eric Mangina could go back in time, you think he would’ve pulled Brett Farve in that Dolphins game? Don’t be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen, Sean..

3. Pass the collection plate. Bad Boy had its greatest successes when you spread the love.. what I mean is, let’s take Minister Ma$e for example.. nobody even knew who he was until he wrecked shit on 112’s now classic “Only You”.. this said buzz was then expanded by putting him on a couple of other popular acts’ songs.. so by the time his album dropped, he moved like 4 or 5 million easy.. Bad Boy was GREAT at doing this.. Niggas LOVED Big, so what did you do? Put him on Total’s debut single.. Carl Thomas did how many high profile guest spots on Bad Boy releases before he got his day in the sun? Same with Black Rob.. why in the fuck did you switch the playbook up and abandon this? Did you not see how many units you were moving? In this day and age, labels drop brand new faces on us damn near daily, and we’re supposed to embrace them? It’s like a complete stranger knocking on your door, doing the potty dance, & asking to use your bathroom.. nigga, I don’t know you! Get the fuck on! Same shit.. stop being stupid, Sean!

4. Leave Big Be. Self explanatory.. Big was that nigga, and I miss him terribly, but no more remix albums, selling unreleased verses, or copy and pasting verses we’ve already heard on popular radio singles just to slap “Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.” on the booklet.. that's tasteless, disgraceful, & plain fucking wack.. let that nigga rest in peace and keep it moving, you fucking dick.. if Big heard most of this bullshit you’ve put out since his death, I’d bet good money he’d sit on you.

And fart.

5. Bring Back Shiny Suit Man. Here’s where your affiliation comes back into play.. yes, you’re no longer running the label, but you’re still the face of it.. Bad Boy videos were GREAT back in the day, not just becuz of the ridiculous budgets Hype Williams used to pimp you for, but because of YOU, Sean.. yes, YOU were the star of the show.. the face all up in the camera, the non-sensical dancin’, the adlibs.. you were that nigga twice (so much so that Dame Dash failed miserably at jackin' your entire steez).. we don’t need you in the office, we need you on the video set.. the triumphant return of Shiny Suit Man? I’ll take two, please..

Subtract yourself from this video, and tell me it's anywhere near as entertaining.. of that's right, you can't.. you have a calling Sean, and it's clearly in front of the camera..

So there’s my game plan, Diddy.. let me return you to the league’s elite.. together we can sell out the floor seats in record time.. the glory days don’t have to be but a memory, Sean.. don’t embrace what’s proven to fail you for the last seven years, embrace what worked for you the 7 years before.. now whenever you’re ready, we can talk about my salary.

You're welcome, nigga.

Eminem is one of the greatest battle rappers of all time.

Don’t believe me? Ask Benzino.



Or Ja Rule. Or Canibus.

Or Everlast.



If I ever found out Em was goin’ in the studio to tear me a new asshole, I’d call in a favor & beg God for a power outage.. “Encore” was a glitch in The Matrix.. I expect “Relapse” to be pure, unadulterated hellfire.. cuz like Ru Paul in a mini skirt, he's still got it, gotdammit..

I’m better than this.

On the real, yo.. I really am.. shit, I KNOW I am.. let the opposite sex tell it.. I’m a gotdamn Adonis!

My claim to fame my entirely life has always been that I attract gorgeous women that fall into one of 3 categories without fail:

1) Blatantly dog me out &/or fuck me over in some way, shape, or form with no logical reasoning for instinctively doing so (the most common one).

2) Are fucking “sleep in your bushes, pour Draino in your gas tank” crazy (a close second).

3) Are completely incompatible with me, yet I keep around cuz I either like looking at them, or they give me something to do…….. literally (somebody’s gotta be third place).

I’ve caught more L’s than the Detroit Lions.. my track record has more epic fails then Tara Reid’s plastic surgeon.. shit is real in the field.. my twin and the rest of the free world keeps beating me over the head with this shit, yet I refuse to comply.. but it’s ’09.. your boy has to get right, right? Gotta find my main chick, right? I mean, shit.. I can’t impregnate myself.. I’m tryin’ to be married before Jesus makes his remix tour.. what the fuck is going on here? Why can’t I get right?

Enter Failure #6712 (name changed to protect the innocent).

I have no godly idea how such a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman, can be so inexplicably dense, but she takes the cake, the frosting, AND the box it came in.. I’m not even tryin’ to clown when I say this, but I seriously think this girl might be retarded.. you know those people you try to conversate with, and the only response they can muster is a half hearted smirk? Like they’re trying their fucking hardest to formulate a coherent statement.. SOMETHING.. ANYTHING.. but they can’t? That’s her ass.. every time she attempts to talk I feel like shoveling Gerber down her throat & burping her afterwards until she spits up on my good clothes..

She left me a voicemail once that was 45 seconds of her breathing and laughing.

Then got pissed I didn’t call her back.

I wish I was joking.

And the worst thing about dumb people is they make YOU stupid.. on some "resistance is futile"/The Borg type shit.. that's why I try not to breathe around stupid people, cuz stupidity is as contagious as the common cold, and she’s fucking what’s left of my immune system UP.. you know you’re dealing with a Grade A dumb ass when they communicate solely through text message smileys:

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What’s good, ma? How’s your day goin’?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-)

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “I'm fucking hungry.. seafood or Italian?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: :-0\

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What's the square root of 438?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-0

What the fuck, yo.

What a complete and utter waste of a draft pick.. I could've had Chris Bosh and ended up with Darko's weak ass.. if my Moms found out I was dating a woman who keeps flash cards and a retractable helmet in her purse, she'd disown my black ass..

I definitely gotta trade ol' girl before the trade deadline.. if she costs me the O'Brien trophy, somebody's 'bout to become a martyr..

The official B(est) N(iggas) B(loggin') roll call:

Teef a.k.a. We All Like Things...™ a.k.a. A Genius : http://www.deathofagenius.com/

Ronnie a.k.a. oNe mAn gAng...®: a.k.a. Mr. Jolla : http://misterjolla.blogspot.com/

Mikey a.k.a. I’m Mikey, I Rock a.k.a. Crack No Rehab : http://cracknorehab.blogspot.com/

And of course, myself.

-----

The Top 6 Songs A Black Man Should Never Bump In Public (Contd.).

Jade. "Don’t Walk Away".


The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins ™: Ahhh yes.. no way in hell was I the only nigga who beat his pre-adolescent dick mercilessly to this video.. the cut off hoodie & boots movement made for a terrific blip in the female nigger timeline.. but if you are a black male in possesion of a functional prostate, be forewarned.. don’t let those hard drums and a bassline custom-designed to clothesline your speakers fool you.. this junt ain’t for you, potna.. tunnel vision is a bitch, but I can’t be the only one to see your gay ass cousin Twan ensnared in its sonic crosshairs.. this song is reserved for 40-year-old white women at war with their second childhood.. this song is for rock solid, 240 lb. diesel niggas who wear thongs, skip in the mall, and clap with their wrists.. this song is for 80’s babies with succulent asses and synthetic scalp modifications.. hell, this song is even for Ru Paul’s unsightly ass.. but you, my nigga? What is "Hell and no" for 300, Alex?


Mr. Jolla: Straight up….the beat is a pure unadulterated SEND-OFF. The beat is funky…but funky in a "where’s the deodorant" type way. It’s not Strong enough for a man, but it’s damn sure PH balanced for a fag though.

To get caught juking to this shit would be Bad News, brown. It’s bad enough to be singing a female’s song in the public eye…you un-tinted window having ass nigga…but THREE? The only times three is good biz is when it’s Kyle Korver shooting a jumper, three model-esque women crave your attention and all look Hollywood hot, and when you buy candy from Walgreens and the sugar product in question is down for the 3 for a dollar deal. Otherwise, stay the fuck away from threes. 6’s, 3rd wheels on going out, and 3 dollar bills…and the vocals attached to the three chickens on this song. Don’t Do It To Yourself.


A Genius: I have a confession. I just put this song on in the background while I was typing this up and during the second chorus I-I-I…hummed a little bit of the song. *hangs head in shame*…I am in no space to talk about this right now…


Crack No Rehab: No cosigning this one, I got my credit to protect here, Jay you are by yourself on loving these broads. I have no idea who Jade is and I don’t really care because chicks in the 80’s and early 90’s were atrocious. Baggy jeans, baggy shirts, black boots and 17 ft weave is not what’s popping. Weave in these broads hairdo’s alone put at least 5 Chinese kids through college. Don’t believe me? Check any music video from that era, nothing but jeans up to their belly button and flannel. A different world being the exception because trust me I would have done the biz-nass to that cartoon character voice having Cree Summer. This song can’t even be remixed to add "girl" to that shit. "Don’t walk away girl" does not make this song less gay and makes you a bitch nigga…nuff said.


Cowboy Troy. "I Play Chicken With The Train".



The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins ™: Got dammit, does affirmative action know no bounds? Some barriers aren’t meant to be broken.. the law of gravity is perfect fine as is, and last time I checked, so was country music.. why? Cuz much like hockey, we’ve swore an unofficial oath to leave that bullshit be.. No niggers allowed? Cool with me! Did this "nigga" miss the memo? I could’ve sworn we all signed the same damn charter.. this is a prime example of ambition gone awry.. could you imagine the look of horror and disgust his parents gave this dude when he came home from Career Day at his elementary school, and told them he wanted to be the first "hick-hop" (his words, not mine) artist? I don’t even blame his parents though, I blame his boys.. what’s this nigga know about hooded tees and Cross Colors? What’s this nigga know about Jason Weaver being the cool nigga on "Thea" we all aspired to be like? What’s this nigga know about drooling over Rachel off BET? This dude is a lost soul and his community collectively failed him..this is like the Pete Rock remix of Jodie Foster in Nell.. he’s better off talkin’ to paint chips and ant hills, cuz when he comes around The Black Delegation, we’re lookin’ at this nigga like, "the fuck does playing chicken with the train even MEAN?".. do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, and leave your skin color at Park Place.. QUICK! Somebody ask this nigga if Cherry and Red are the same flavor of Koolaid!


Mr. Jolla: He’s gonna tell you that Red is technically a color, not a flavor. Let me just say that I’m a fan of all types of music, so those gearing up the "You need to be more open minded" marches….pardon me, the mayor has not signed your Rally Permit. So HOESITDOWN!! Anyway…this traitorous T.R.O.Y. character…what’s to say about him that hasn’t been said about Flavor Flav? He needs to be present at the next Racial Draft so that he can be traded or dropped into the Free Agency Pool…whatever it takes to get him the FUCK off of Team BLACK. Maybe we can rescue D. Wade from Miami in exchange for this nigga and 6 jars of Blue Magic…the Grease. (You know how Riles gets down…) "Hick Hop"? Are you serious? In the video there was a Black dude shown, and he looked out of place as Hell…but somehow at peace with himself. Oh that was this DUMB ASS cracka. The only "Hop" taking place is when the "brothas" make a hop, skip, and a jump over to your "neck o’ da woods" to collectively ensure that there won’t be a "I Play Chicken With The Train" 2008. Let Ruben Studdard sing our apologies….FUCK his straw hat and this bum ass song. You Don’t Want To Be Cowboy Troy….You Want To Live Longer Than Him. Peace To LeBron’s Marketing Team…


A Genius: If this nigga doesn’t die before midnight, I will no longer believe in God. Dead ass. I hate my life for hearing this. I am at my lowest level of swag in 10 years as a result of this bullshit. Yall niggas are talking about flavors and shit…pshh! He’s the type of nigga to say "Kool aid? What’s ’Koolaid’?" We’re taking his black card …MC Hammer lookin ass nigga. Fuck that, I’m not open minded…I hate country music and whatever kind of music this nigga is making too. I swear to the God that I believe in for the next few hours that if I ever see this nigga in person I’m going to punch his zebra ass dead in his mouth. I’m serious as this nigga can’t be. *parental tone* If I ever…I mean EVER catch anybody listening to this shit in the whip I’m lassoing their hoe ass clean out of their window. Cut the bullshit.

SMH @ me knowing exactly what the song title meant soon as a saw it though. I gotta get my black back. I need to go to a rally or something right now… There was a white girl in the video that I would smut crazy though…she could get the business like I left it in my will. You know what’s really fucked up though? This nigga probably think he’s down with the team. NAAAAW. You’ll find out exactly how much of a nigger you are when you jump fool with one of these country white girls. They’ll go straight Spartan on Troy’s dumb ass…300 crackers surround him while black people finally take MLK’s advice and turn the other cheek. We don’t know you fam. There will be no chicken (nigga probably doesn’t like it anyway)…but plenty of train for you. He’ll get tied to the tracks like scarf…Straight Earl Little that ass (R.I.P. Brother Malcolm).


Crack No Rehab: I have never felt the urge to wear a bow tie and sell bean pies but today that all changed. Fuck it I picked up the Quran on sale today and I am officially a militant ass nigga. You know Troy got the most niggerish family though right? I mean uncles hanging out on the porch, no shoes, kids with bright pink lips tap dancing on watermelon. I bet "Issa and skrimp" was a regularly used term in Troy’s household. That’s the only explanation of him beating out Carlton, Wayne Brady, and Taye Diggs for The Wackest Nigga Award. Teef might be in the know but I don’t know what the title means and I’d like to think that makes my swag a little higher. I checked old boy out before when flipping channels and saw a Negro on CMT. Black people are no longer black once they appear on that channel, refer to them as Colored, Coons, Moon Crickets, or any assortment of rarely used words. So for bumping this you automatically get dragged behind a pickup truck.


TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Aiight soooooo as some of you may know, I first got this blog shit poppin’ over at MySpace.. they held me down lovely over there for like 3 years, but I had to spread my wings and get it crackin’ on a bigger scale, so here I is.. but in order to bridge the gap between the new readers and old ones, I’ll frequently throw up some of my previous classics on here for public consumption.. your boy gets it in, got dammit.. the following was the official debut release of the niggas you love to hate, BNB.. better known as The Best Niggas Bloggin’:

Teef a.k.a. We All Like Things...™ a.k.a. A Genius : http://www.deathofagenius.com/

Ronnie a.k.a. oNe mAn gAng...®: a.k.a. Mr. Jolla : http://misterjolla.blogspot.com/