i digress.

I’m better than this.

On the real, yo.. I really am.. shit, I KNOW I am.. let the opposite sex tell it.. I’m a gotdamn Adonis!

My claim to fame my entirely life has always been that I attract gorgeous women that fall into one of 3 categories without fail:

1) Blatantly dog me out &/or fuck me over in some way, shape, or form with no logical reasoning for instinctively doing so (the most common one).

2) Are fucking “sleep in your bushes, pour Draino in your gas tank” crazy (a close second).

3) Are completely incompatible with me, yet I keep around cuz I either like looking at them, or they give me something to do…….. literally (somebody’s gotta be third place).

I’ve caught more L’s than the Detroit Lions.. my track record has more epic fails then Tara Reid’s plastic surgeon.. shit is real in the field.. my twin and the rest of the free world keeps beating me over the head with this shit, yet I refuse to comply.. but it’s ’09.. your boy has to get right, right? Gotta find my main chick, right? I mean, shit.. I can’t impregnate myself.. I’m tryin’ to be married before Jesus makes his remix tour.. what the fuck is going on here? Why can’t I get right?

Enter Failure #6712 (name changed to protect the innocent).

I have no godly idea how such a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman, can be so inexplicably dense, but she takes the cake, the frosting, AND the box it came in.. I’m not even tryin’ to clown when I say this, but I seriously think this girl might be retarded.. you know those people you try to conversate with, and the only response they can muster is a half hearted smirk? Like they’re trying their fucking hardest to formulate a coherent statement.. SOMETHING.. ANYTHING.. but they can’t? That’s her ass.. every time she attempts to talk I feel like shoveling Gerber down her throat & burping her afterwards until she spits up on my good clothes..

She left me a voicemail once that was 45 seconds of her breathing and laughing.

Then got pissed I didn’t call her back.

I wish I was joking.

And the worst thing about dumb people is they make YOU stupid.. on some "resistance is futile"/The Borg type shit.. that's why I try not to breathe around stupid people, cuz stupidity is as contagious as the common cold, and she’s fucking what’s left of my immune system UP.. you know you’re dealing with a Grade A dumb ass when they communicate solely through text message smileys:

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What’s good, ma? How’s your day goin’?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-)

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “I'm fucking hungry.. seafood or Italian?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: :-0\

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What's the square root of 438?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-0

What the fuck, yo.

What a complete and utter waste of a draft pick.. I could've had Chris Bosh and ended up with Darko's weak ass.. if my Moms found out I was dating a woman who keeps flash cards and a retractable helmet in her purse, she'd disown my black ass..

I definitely gotta trade ol' girl before the trade deadline.. if she costs me the O'Brien trophy, somebody's 'bout to become a martyr..