i digress.

"In loving memory of my grip on sanity..."

10:22 PM

relapse.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™



Once upon a dream, in a land not so far away, and a time much closer than I care to admit, I hit up my loving co-inhabitant Beezy B about reviewing The-Dream’s seminal “Love Vs. Money” for our next collab review.. needless to say, she brutally rebuffed said notion.. and try as I may countless times thereafter, I was met with the same stubborn mule kick to my pride.. not wanting Darius “The-Dream” Nash to suffer the same fate as Edgar Allen Poe, a man who’s brilliance wasn’t appreciated until he had long been using his rib cage as a buffet table for maggots, I took it upon myself to carry the torch alone, and share his brand of joy, praise, and sonic gospel with the rest of you.. consider yourself blessed..

Fortunately enough for you, I broke it up into two parts.. 14 tracks, 14 testaments of truth, spirituality, and fornication.. The-Dream isn’t a musician, and he's much bigger than any movement... he’s a religion.

Now let us come before him in reverence and pray.. bow your head, nigga.




1. Love Vs. Money Intro – I can’t tell who’s on top, but yo.. is that Optimus Prime fucking a Honda Accord?

2. Rockin’ That Shit – Contrary to popular belief, I’ve been a sucka for love ass nigga my entire life.. that said, I find absolutely nothing wrong with a song about a chick so bad, you fall in love with her body on sight.. hell, I felt the exact same way about Mo’nique when I saw her shakin’ it up to Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” at the ’07 BET Awards.. that shit had me so hot and horny, I had to wipe the beads of sweat off my forehead with a ham sandwich.. All jokes aside, I wonder if that hook could actually work as a pickup line? “Girl, I’m in love with you, baby / And I want you to know / That I’m hooked on your body / And I’m tryin’ to be yours” .. How could anybody with two breasts and a pulse NOT wanna fuck me after having that cooed into their ear canal? The-Dream is a hopeless romantic trapped in the husk of a tone deaf nigger named Darius….. believe.

3. Walkin’ On The Moon – If I were to hit up Vegas, and was asked to place a million dollar wager on what Perez Hilton's alarm clock sounds like, I’d be a rich muhfucka.. Why? Cuz I wouldn’t even need to ask Regis for a lifeline.. “Nigga, that shit GOTTA sound like the beat on ‘Walkin’ On The Moon!”.. you gotdamn right.. this shit is knocks, but I’d be lying my ass off if I didn’t admit my fingers get possessed by The Ghost of Freddie Mercury, and try their damndest to snap in intricate Z-formations.. that said, when The-Dream isn’t wasting his time butchering the high notes, Kanye sounds quite at home over this beat.. Dare I ask why? Bravo, Darius.. The Ambiguously Gay Duo would be quite proud..

4. My Love – You know, back when we still weren’t sure if we were supposed to claim Mariah or not, she was (keyword being was) the truth.. “Vision of Love”, “Someday”, “Emotions”, “Dream Lover”.. all that shit knocked.. but once she revealed to the world that she too fine dined on fried chicken and watermelon, and had a mortal fear of swimming, it’s been a crap shoot since.. I also find it ironic she somehow forgot how to really sing around that time as well, and much like marriage, it’s only gotten worse with time.. now all she does is get naked, dry hump couches and cars, and do that whisper crap every opportunity she gets.. Which, oh yeah, brings me to this “song”.. I swear to God, I’ve heard this “song” about 8,914,526 times already.. “Niggas hatin’ on us cuz we fuck like rabbits, make out in public, and fondle each other in church.. but got dammit, you’re my bitch and I love you, ho! Now let’s make a sex tape and leak it on Twitter!” This song is almost as wack as Nick Cannon’s “Wildin’ Out”.. yeah, fuck you too, Nicholas (no Marshall Mathers).

5. Put It Down – I know there’s a lot of fairytales and vastly exaggerated body counts in rap music, but I like my R&B as honest and straight forward as possible.. there is nothing remotely engrossing about a nigga dedicating five minutes and two seconds of his life to bragging on his dick, BEFORE conquering Puff The Magic Pussy Dragon.. for those out the loop, absolutely NOTHING good can come from bragging on your dick before beatin’ up the push bush.. why? Because expectations are reserved for those who want their feelings hurt.. “I’ma fuck the shit out you, baby! I’ma have you screaming so loud you’ll wake up your ancestors! I got that Eifel Tower right HERE! I’ll stamp your passport with these big ass balls, girl! Now get naked!” Nigga please.. that’s why I tell women about my four inches of fury before hand.. you can’t be disappointed if I already told your ass, right? Expectations, nigga!

6. Sweat It Out – “Girl, call Laticia, your beautician / Tell her your hair is gonna need fixin’”.. Oh hellllllll yes… is this the quintessential baby maker I hear?! I do believe so, Charlie Brown.. Darius channels his inner pedophile Robert Kelly on this one with astonishing results, warning his underage teenager groupie of choice that he’s gonna fuck the shit out of her so well, her perm will time travel and revert to its prior plantation status.. I envy you, Darius.. that’s quite a feat.. I myself have yet to do this.. I have however, accidentally spilled some of my baby batter on a woman’s fresh perm (see what happens when you lie about swallowing, ladies?) and got chased butt ass naked out her apartment while she brandished a Ginsu, but that’s a whole other blog, kiddies.. eloquent yet crass, brilliant yet moronic, off key yet somehow harmonious.. I wish I wrote this song my damn self:

“We trade affection, as I mess up her bangs,
Hair everywhere, all in her face,
Didn’t mean to mess up a good thing, but I needed you baby,
Don’t be mad at me, you should’ve got braids”




Incredible.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

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10:07 PM

not these niggas again.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

Once upon a dream, myself and my future ex-wife Beezy B reviewed Drake's classic mixtape (yeah, I said it) "So Far Gone" via Instant Messenger.. however, due to circumstances beyond my control, the review never saw the light of day.. would it suffer the same fate as Saigon's "Greatest Story Never Told"? Would it fade into oblivion like Karl Kani? Or would it just magically resurface, all fucked up, like Lil' Kim's top lip?

Regardless, the e-Streets were abuzz, and over time people would ask me repeatedly what the hell happened.. like, "Yo, what's the hold up, fam?".. and I was never able to provide them with a solid answer, since I honestly didn't know my damn self.. blaming it on Beezy's traumatic plastic surgery on her feet could only fight off the demand for so long.. it was beginning to look like the Lochness Monster had a better chance of making a red carpet entrance than the review did of seeing of the light of day.. Was Suge keeping it hostage in the Death Row vaults along with Dre's long lost heterosexuality?

But apparently dreams do come true, ladies and gentlemen.. because What's Her Face was kind enough to inform me today that the review has finally been granted parole.. so feel free to stop asking me about it, and peep it your damn self at her blog..

God bless America.

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7:18 AM

signed, sealed, delivered.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

Dearest Stevland Hardaway Judkins,


You are that nigga, twice.

If fact, you are the alpha nigga that all of the rest of us inferior, mortal niggas aspire to be like.. (well, outside of the whole walking into walls cuz you're blind thing.. I'm assuming you probably fuck the ugly groupies too, huh?).. your name is synonymous with the type of success even Kanye would've sniped his own mother for.. you have more hit records than I have years on planet Earth.. you have the adulation of millions of people, and have single handledly influenced more pregnancies than Shawn Kemp.. you have attainted a level of sonic diety that will never be duplicated by man, woman, or Milli Vanilli..

If Juelz Santana is truly the embodiment of crack in the flesh (AYE!), then you, Stevland (AYE!), are the human embodiment of God himself..

You didn't create the world in seven days, but you were the architect behind music that will survive just as long as the very planet it was created on..

Take a bow, Mr. Judkins.. You truly are that nigga twice.

But alas, even God's fall from grace, and on those rare occasions, are capable of discovering fault within themselves.. imperfection is the curse of man that tragically, some God's are unable to abstain from.. and since I'm unable to leave this task to the mirrors in your home due to your loss of functional vision, I will take it upon myself to share with you the truth..

The charade must end, dearest Stevland.. it's time.

You see (actually no you don't, my bad), your lack of sight leaves you at the mercy of your peers, and clearly those same "allies" are on a mission to embarress you & assassinate your public image as covertly as humanly possible.. when you smile for the cameras, little do you know these common mediums of digital photography are not only recording the happiness you bear within that legendary grin, but the tragedy continuing to transpire above your eyebrows..

Stevland, you have more Grammys than you do hair follicles.. your hairline and my virginity share the same experation date.. if your stylist would be as malicious as to dress you in a tan suit, you'd resembe Lt. Worf to the T.. your name will be on the marquee in the next Aliens Vs. Predators sequel.. allow me to express the severity of the situation through means I'm sure you can identify & relate to:

"All I Do" is get distracted by your forehead, Stevland.

The "Ribbon In The Sky" fell off a cloud and is hanging on for dear life on the back of your head & neck, Stevland.

You are the victim of a "Part-Time Lover Hairline", Stevland.

"Yester-Me, Yester-Y0u, Yester-HAIR", Stevland.

Mr. Judkins, it's time.

For a mere $12 I can put you in contact with a certified hair care technician who can rid you of the shame and complete & utter lack of dignity clinging on for dear life north of the back of your neck.. and for an additional $2, I'll even have him line up that fucked up pube-stache you've been rockin' since like '73.. you may balk at the price, but don't consider it compensation, consider it an investment into your own peice of mind.. aren't you tired of your doo rag laughing manically at you as you go to cover up what's left of your braids every night?

Stevland, unlike those parasites in your corner, who have you sign legal documents you can't even read and fuck all the dope groupies while leaving you with the Sheneneh-esque crumbs, I am genuinely looking out for your best interests; both as a fan, and as a man.. I understand it's common for most older gentlemen to brave the riducle and do what they can to salvage their hair, but when your hairline becomes parallel to your ears drums, I am left with an intervention as my only recourse..

I'm doing this because I love you, Stevland.

I beg of thee.. please.

Don't be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen.

I can save you, Stevland, but salvation lies in the hands of a barber.. please, allow him to cut that shit off, and allow yourself learn to love life again..
You've carried the cross long enough, friend.. allow me to serve as your savior.

Sincerely,
The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins

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8:41 AM

truly yours, your biggest fan... this is stan (dear diddy).

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

I feel like Will Smith at the end of “I Am Legend”.




You know the part where Will’s pleading “Stop! I can save you!” to DMX’s wife & her in-laws? But they ain’t tryin’ to hear it cuz they think the nigga has crack stashed in his lab? So he has this sad look in his eyes like he just accidentally saw T-Pain naked? But them goooooooons lurkin’, so he’s left with no choice other than to pull the pin out of the grenade & rid the world of crackheads and ugly ass, Boston Terrier-faced women all in one, single selfless act?

I’m really on that level that right now.

Diddy, you’re my nigga, but you’re fucking up major, potna.. your label is a shell of a shell of itself, and it’s not like you’re oblivious to it, it’s like you genuinely don’t give a fuck, and as a nigga that's been down for you since day one, word to heartburn that hurts my heart.. back in the day Bad Boy ran this music shit.. I’d be the FIRST nigga at the store to cop (meaning steal, I was a deviant in those days) anything with that logo on it.. Shiny Suit Man changed my life, fuck what The Lox was talkin’ about.. you need that return to glory.. Sean, you need that old thing back.. I’m here for you, Sean.. Stop! I can save you!

I’m really feeling like Kim on “I Wanna Work For Diddy” right now.. so here’s my audition tape.. How would I go about throwing on the cape & saving your label? Let me clear my throat..

1. You’re Fired. Nothing personal, my nig.. the honeymoon was great while it lasted, but you’re just here now to bring bad press & fuck up the team, like Stephon Marbury.. and we at Bad Boy Entertainment can’t have that.. but seriously, you have way too much goin’ on.. the colognes, the TV shows, the clothing line, you got the movies and plays crackin’.. nigga, you've got more jobs than a temp agency.. you don’t have THE TIME to run this junt.. take this pink slip and keep it movin’.. you’re still affiliated, you just won’t be calling the shots anymore.. now, I know that's hard to swallow for an egomaniac of your caliber, but I assure you, it's for the best.. now get the fuck out my office before I call security on you.. I'll apprise you of your new position shortly..

2. Find The Bench Some Minutes. As much as I like the Making The Band cast (that Day26 album went surprisingly hard), do you truly believe, in your heart of hearts, that they’re enough to return you to your former glory? You’re the biggest act on your own label for a reason.. television show aside, Day26 and Donnie Timberlake barely got any promotion, & I don’t even think Danity Kane (I wanna fondle Andrea..... twice) got a second single, after bangin’ niggas over the head with “Damaged”.. how in the red, white, & blue fuck does that even happen? How do you drop the ball in the endzone? You just made a 75 yard INT return! Nigga, I work with kids.. that song was EVERYWHERE! I couldn’t take a piss without the dude handin’ out paper towels in the bathroom even whistling that shit.. last time I checked, that's a sure sign of a pretty big hit..

A lack of promotion tells me that even YOU don’t believe in these niggas.. last time I checked, that was one of the major purposes of even UTILIZING a major label.. if you truly believed in something, you would gamble on it.. and your actions are telling us you don't believe in these modern day niggas for shit.. they're on Tooth Fairy status, as far as you're concerned.. Day26 could’ve went indie, opened at Rock The Bells, & made out like bandits instead of fucking around with your ass.. who in the hell signs with a major to remain a nobody? They KNOW they're gettin' fucked in the pockets, but you trade that out for the privellege of being mobbed at the mall by big tittied white girls (cute being an optional feature on the newest model)..


But like I was saying said, no promo translates into a genuine lack of faith.. you got a bench FULL of dope ass niggas (namely Los & Aasim, you fucked up passing on Royce The 5'9" you fucking ingrate) that need some damn playing time.. a guest spot, a video cameo, SOMETHING.. these niggas are in the horse stable starving with empty ass feed bags.. if you’re not gonna support your starters, let the bench get in & wreck shit.. if they fail, they fail.. but to NOT put their shit out cuz you THINK they won’t sell, when your franchise players are shooting airballs, is fucking asinine.. if Eric Mangina could go back in time, you think he would’ve pulled Brett Farve in that Dolphins game? Don’t be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen, Sean..

3. Pass the collection plate. Bad Boy had its greatest successes when you spread the love.. what I mean is, let’s take Minister Ma$e for example.. nobody even knew who he was until he wrecked shit on 112’s now classic “Only You”.. this said buzz was then expanded by putting him on a couple of other popular acts’ songs.. so by the time his album dropped, he moved like 4 or 5 million easy.. Bad Boy was GREAT at doing this.. Niggas LOVED Big, so what did you do? Put him on Total’s debut single.. Carl Thomas did how many high profile guest spots on Bad Boy releases before he got his day in the sun? Same with Black Rob.. why in the fuck did you switch the playbook up and abandon this? Did you not see how many units you were moving? In this day and age, labels drop brand new faces on us damn near daily, and we’re supposed to embrace them? It’s like a complete stranger knocking on your door, doing the potty dance, & asking to use your bathroom.. nigga, I don’t know you! Get the fuck on! Same shit.. stop being stupid, Sean!

4. Leave Big Be. Self explanatory.. Big was that nigga, and I miss him terribly, but no more remix albums, selling unreleased verses, or copy and pasting verses we’ve already heard on popular radio singles just to slap “Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.” on the booklet.. that's tasteless, disgraceful, & plain fucking wack.. let that nigga rest in peace and keep it moving, you fucking dick.. if Big heard most of this bullshit you’ve put out since his death, I’d bet good money he’d sit on you.

And fart.

5. Bring Back Shiny Suit Man. Here’s where your affiliation comes back into play.. yes, you’re no longer running the label, but you’re still the face of it.. Bad Boy videos were GREAT back in the day, not just becuz of the ridiculous budgets Hype Williams used to pimp you for, but because of YOU, Sean.. yes, YOU were the star of the show.. the face all up in the camera, the non-sensical dancin’, the adlibs.. you were that nigga twice (so much so that Dame Dash failed miserably at jackin' your entire steez).. we don’t need you in the office, we need you on the video set.. the triumphant return of Shiny Suit Man? I’ll take two, please..



Subtract yourself from this video, and tell me it's anywhere near as entertaining.. of that's right, you can't.. you have a calling Sean, and it's clearly in front of the camera..

So there’s my game plan, Diddy.. let me return you to the league’s elite.. together we can sell out the floor seats in record time.. the glory days don’t have to be but a memory, Sean.. don’t embrace what’s proven to fail you for the last seven years, embrace what worked for you the 7 years before.. now whenever you’re ready, we can talk about my salary.

You're welcome, nigga.

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11:21 PM

white angry.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

Eminem is one of the greatest battle rappers of all time.

Don’t believe me? Ask Benzino.



Or Ja Rule. Or Canibus.

Or Everlast.



If I ever found out Em was goin’ in the studio to tear me a new asshole, I’d call in a favor & beg God for a power outage.. “Encore” was a glitch in The Matrix.. I expect “Relapse” to be pure, unadulterated hellfire.. cuz like Ru Paul in a mini skirt, he's still got it, gotdammit..

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11:59 PM

paris, tokyo.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

I’m better than this.

On the real, yo.. I really am.. shit, I KNOW I am.. let the opposite sex tell it.. I’m a gotdamn Adonis!

My claim to fame my entirely life has always been that I attract gorgeous women that fall into one of 3 categories without fail:

1) Blatantly dog me out &/or fuck me over in some way, shape, or form with no logical reasoning for instinctively doing so (the most common one).

2) Are fucking “sleep in your bushes, pour Draino in your gas tank” crazy (a close second).

3) Are completely incompatible with me, yet I keep around cuz I either like looking at them, or they give me something to do…….. literally (somebody’s gotta be third place).

I’ve caught more L’s than the Detroit Lions.. my track record has more epic fails then Tara Reid’s plastic surgeon.. shit is real in the field.. my twin and the rest of the free world keeps beating me over the head with this shit, yet I refuse to comply.. but it’s ’09.. your boy has to get right, right? Gotta find my main chick, right? I mean, shit.. I can’t impregnate myself.. I’m tryin’ to be married before Jesus makes his remix tour.. what the fuck is going on here? Why can’t I get right?

Enter Failure #6712 (name changed to protect the innocent).

I have no godly idea how such a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman, can be so inexplicably dense, but she takes the cake, the frosting, AND the box it came in.. I’m not even tryin’ to clown when I say this, but I seriously think this girl might be retarded.. you know those people you try to conversate with, and the only response they can muster is a half hearted smirk? Like they’re trying their fucking hardest to formulate a coherent statement.. SOMETHING.. ANYTHING.. but they can’t? That’s her ass.. every time she attempts to talk I feel like shoveling Gerber down her throat & burping her afterwards until she spits up on my good clothes..

She left me a voicemail once that was 45 seconds of her breathing and laughing.

Then got pissed I didn’t call her back.

I wish I was joking.

And the worst thing about dumb people is they make YOU stupid.. on some "resistance is futile"/The Borg type shit.. that's why I try not to breathe around stupid people, cuz stupidity is as contagious as the common cold, and she’s fucking what’s left of my immune system UP.. you know you’re dealing with a Grade A dumb ass when they communicate solely through text message smileys:

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What’s good, ma? How’s your day goin’?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-)

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “I'm fucking hungry.. seafood or Italian?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: :-0\

The Nigger You Love To Hate: “What's the square root of 438?”
I Have The IQ Of A Toe Nail Clipper: ;-0

What the fuck, yo.

What a complete and utter waste of a draft pick.. I could've had Chris Bosh and ended up with Darko's weak ass.. if my Moms found out I was dating a woman who keeps flash cards and a retractable helmet in her purse, she'd disown my black ass..

I definitely gotta trade ol' girl before the trade deadline.. if she costs me the O'Brien trophy, somebody's 'bout to become a martyr..

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2:05 PM

gunz come out.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

(MURFREESBORO, Tenn.) -- A veteran who has been out of the military for 15 years and recently received his AARP card was stunned when he received notice he will be deployed to Iraq.

The last time Paul Bandel, 50, saw combat was in the early 1990s during the Gulf War.

"(I was) kind of shocked, not understanding what I was getting into," said Bandel, who lives in the Nashville, Tenn., area.

In 1993, Bandel took the option of leaving the Army without retirement and never thought he would be called back to action.

"Here he's 50 years old, getting his AARP card, and here he's being redeployed with all these 18-year-olds," said Paul's wife, Linda Bandel.

Involuntary recall allows the military, regardless of age or how long someone has been out of service, to order vets back into active duty."



Awwwwwwwwwwwww MAN, these niggas better fall the fuck back and leave me alone!!!


This shit got a nigga real 'noid right now, on some Rockwell "Somebody's Watching Me" shit.. my palms are sweaty, my breath is about Midget Mac height.. they need to stop playin'! Niggas thought "Arab Money" was just a crappy song with a shitty hook.. NOPE! Real talk though, I don't even know what I'd do.. I bet homepiss was cakin' too.. had his lil' wife and grandkids.. good ass job on some Kanye shit.. dude was GOOD! Then the military came through like Snoop in the "NY NY" video and kicked down the buildings.. that's wild foul.. but why come after a 50 year old? The fuck kind of sense does that even make, unless they're gonna swap out his pacemaker with a hand gernade & use him as a suicide bomber.. I'm befuddled on this one..

Bush tryin' to go out swingin' before the White House gets painted black.. on everything, the Air Force come lookin' for me, I'm not takin' the L.. I'm taking the lives of the entire judges panel of American Idol.. keep fuckin' with me, America! See what happens!

Take that nigga Ronnie, shit!

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1:13 PM

tom's plantation (the myspace archives): sorry! an unexpected error has occured (pt. 2).

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

The official B(est) N(iggas) B(loggin') roll call:

Teef a.k.a. We All Like Things...™ a.k.a. A Genius : http://www.deathofagenius.com/

Ronnie a.k.a. oNe mAn gAng...®: a.k.a. Mr. Jolla : http://misterjolla.blogspot.com/

Mikey a.k.a. I’m Mikey, I Rock a.k.a. Crack No Rehab : http://cracknorehab.blogspot.com/

And of course, myself.

-----

The Top 6 Songs A Black Man Should Never Bump In Public (Contd.).

Jade. "Don’t Walk Away".


The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins ™: Ahhh yes.. no way in hell was I the only nigga who beat his pre-adolescent dick mercilessly to this video.. the cut off hoodie & boots movement made for a terrific blip in the female nigger timeline.. but if you are a black male in possesion of a functional prostate, be forewarned.. don’t let those hard drums and a bassline custom-designed to clothesline your speakers fool you.. this junt ain’t for you, potna.. tunnel vision is a bitch, but I can’t be the only one to see your gay ass cousin Twan ensnared in its sonic crosshairs.. this song is reserved for 40-year-old white women at war with their second childhood.. this song is for rock solid, 240 lb. diesel niggas who wear thongs, skip in the mall, and clap with their wrists.. this song is for 80’s babies with succulent asses and synthetic scalp modifications.. hell, this song is even for Ru Paul’s unsightly ass.. but you, my nigga? What is "Hell and no" for 300, Alex?


Mr. Jolla: Straight up….the beat is a pure unadulterated SEND-OFF. The beat is funky…but funky in a "where’s the deodorant" type way. It’s not Strong enough for a man, but it’s damn sure PH balanced for a fag though.

To get caught juking to this shit would be Bad News, brown. It’s bad enough to be singing a female’s song in the public eye…you un-tinted window having ass nigga…but THREE? The only times three is good biz is when it’s Kyle Korver shooting a jumper, three model-esque women crave your attention and all look Hollywood hot, and when you buy candy from Walgreens and the sugar product in question is down for the 3 for a dollar deal. Otherwise, stay the fuck away from threes. 6’s, 3rd wheels on going out, and 3 dollar bills…and the vocals attached to the three chickens on this song. Don’t Do It To Yourself.


A Genius: I have a confession. I just put this song on in the background while I was typing this up and during the second chorus I-I-I…hummed a little bit of the song. *hangs head in shame*…I am in no space to talk about this right now…


Crack No Rehab: No cosigning this one, I got my credit to protect here, Jay you are by yourself on loving these broads. I have no idea who Jade is and I don’t really care because chicks in the 80’s and early 90’s were atrocious. Baggy jeans, baggy shirts, black boots and 17 ft weave is not what’s popping. Weave in these broads hairdo’s alone put at least 5 Chinese kids through college. Don’t believe me? Check any music video from that era, nothing but jeans up to their belly button and flannel. A different world being the exception because trust me I would have done the biz-nass to that cartoon character voice having Cree Summer. This song can’t even be remixed to add "girl" to that shit. "Don’t walk away girl" does not make this song less gay and makes you a bitch nigga…nuff said.


Cowboy Troy. "I Play Chicken With The Train".



The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins ™: Got dammit, does affirmative action know no bounds? Some barriers aren’t meant to be broken.. the law of gravity is perfect fine as is, and last time I checked, so was country music.. why? Cuz much like hockey, we’ve swore an unofficial oath to leave that bullshit be.. No niggers allowed? Cool with me! Did this "nigga" miss the memo? I could’ve sworn we all signed the same damn charter.. this is a prime example of ambition gone awry.. could you imagine the look of horror and disgust his parents gave this dude when he came home from Career Day at his elementary school, and told them he wanted to be the first "hick-hop" (his words, not mine) artist? I don’t even blame his parents though, I blame his boys.. what’s this nigga know about hooded tees and Cross Colors? What’s this nigga know about Jason Weaver being the cool nigga on "Thea" we all aspired to be like? What’s this nigga know about drooling over Rachel off BET? This dude is a lost soul and his community collectively failed him..this is like the Pete Rock remix of Jodie Foster in Nell.. he’s better off talkin’ to paint chips and ant hills, cuz when he comes around The Black Delegation, we’re lookin’ at this nigga like, "the fuck does playing chicken with the train even MEAN?".. do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, and leave your skin color at Park Place.. QUICK! Somebody ask this nigga if Cherry and Red are the same flavor of Koolaid!


Mr. Jolla: He’s gonna tell you that Red is technically a color, not a flavor. Let me just say that I’m a fan of all types of music, so those gearing up the "You need to be more open minded" marches….pardon me, the mayor has not signed your Rally Permit. So HOESITDOWN!! Anyway…this traitorous T.R.O.Y. character…what’s to say about him that hasn’t been said about Flavor Flav? He needs to be present at the next Racial Draft so that he can be traded or dropped into the Free Agency Pool…whatever it takes to get him the FUCK off of Team BLACK. Maybe we can rescue D. Wade from Miami in exchange for this nigga and 6 jars of Blue Magic…the Grease. (You know how Riles gets down…) "Hick Hop"? Are you serious? In the video there was a Black dude shown, and he looked out of place as Hell…but somehow at peace with himself. Oh that was this DUMB ASS cracka. The only "Hop" taking place is when the "brothas" make a hop, skip, and a jump over to your "neck o’ da woods" to collectively ensure that there won’t be a "I Play Chicken With The Train" 2008. Let Ruben Studdard sing our apologies….FUCK his straw hat and this bum ass song. You Don’t Want To Be Cowboy Troy….You Want To Live Longer Than Him. Peace To LeBron’s Marketing Team…


A Genius: If this nigga doesn’t die before midnight, I will no longer believe in God. Dead ass. I hate my life for hearing this. I am at my lowest level of swag in 10 years as a result of this bullshit. Yall niggas are talking about flavors and shit…pshh! He’s the type of nigga to say "Kool aid? What’s ’Koolaid’?" We’re taking his black card …MC Hammer lookin ass nigga. Fuck that, I’m not open minded…I hate country music and whatever kind of music this nigga is making too. I swear to the God that I believe in for the next few hours that if I ever see this nigga in person I’m going to punch his zebra ass dead in his mouth. I’m serious as this nigga can’t be. *parental tone* If I ever…I mean EVER catch anybody listening to this shit in the whip I’m lassoing their hoe ass clean out of their window. Cut the bullshit.

SMH @ me knowing exactly what the song title meant soon as a saw it though. I gotta get my black back. I need to go to a rally or something right now… There was a white girl in the video that I would smut crazy though…she could get the business like I left it in my will. You know what’s really fucked up though? This nigga probably think he’s down with the team. NAAAAW. You’ll find out exactly how much of a nigger you are when you jump fool with one of these country white girls. They’ll go straight Spartan on Troy’s dumb ass…300 crackers surround him while black people finally take MLK’s advice and turn the other cheek. We don’t know you fam. There will be no chicken (nigga probably doesn’t like it anyway)…but plenty of train for you. He’ll get tied to the tracks like scarf…Straight Earl Little that ass (R.I.P. Brother Malcolm).


Crack No Rehab: I have never felt the urge to wear a bow tie and sell bean pies but today that all changed. Fuck it I picked up the Quran on sale today and I am officially a militant ass nigga. You know Troy got the most niggerish family though right? I mean uncles hanging out on the porch, no shoes, kids with bright pink lips tap dancing on watermelon. I bet "Issa and skrimp" was a regularly used term in Troy’s household. That’s the only explanation of him beating out Carlton, Wayne Brady, and Taye Diggs for The Wackest Nigga Award. Teef might be in the know but I don’t know what the title means and I’d like to think that makes my swag a little higher. I checked old boy out before when flipping channels and saw a Negro on CMT. Black people are no longer black once they appear on that channel, refer to them as Colored, Coons, Moon Crickets, or any assortment of rarely used words. So for bumping this you automatically get dragged behind a pickup truck.


TO BE CONTINUED. . .

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9:14 AM

tom's plantation (the myspace archives): sorry! an unexpected error has occured (pt. 1).

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

Aiight soooooo as some of you may know, I first got this blog shit poppin’ over at MySpace.. they held me down lovely over there for like 3 years, but I had to spread my wings and get it crackin’ on a bigger scale, so here I is.. but in order to bridge the gap between the new readers and old ones, I’ll frequently throw up some of my previous classics on here for public consumption.. your boy gets it in, got dammit.. the following was the official debut release of the niggas you love to hate, BNB.. better known as The Best Niggas Bloggin’:

Teef a.k.a. We All Like Things...™ a.k.a. A Genius : http://www.deathofagenius.com/

Ronnie a.k.a. oNe mAn gAng...®: a.k.a. Mr. Jolla : http://misterjolla.blogspot.com/


Mikey a.k.a. I’m Mikey, I Rock a.k.a. Crack No Rehab : http://cracknorehab.blogspot.com/

And of course, me.

No superstar guest appearances, no convoluted R&B hooks.. no high profile producers and big budget videos.. just niggas doin’ what they do best.. we banged niggas over the head with this one.. that Voltron status is no joke.. in its original incarnation this shit was about 800 paragraphs too long for a single read, so I’ll chop it up into parts and hit you with that piff.. you should have the whole thing within a week though, so without no further ado I present………


-------------------------------

Contrary to what the Declaration of Independence states, all men are not created equal.. anyone who’s had the privellege of looking down my pants can attest to that fact.. but outside of my own supernatural girth, although this country has undeniably taken great steps towards some semblance of parity, my black ass will still have a 99.74% success rate of getting pulled over by 5-0 should I dare cross the invisible line and opt to procure a vehicle over $30k.. I’m just sayin’.. so in my 27 years of keeping the jigaboo flag afloat, I’ve stumbled across an infinite well of knowledge, pussy, and life lessons.. at 6 I realized that the only G.I. Joe that looked like me wouldn’t ever shut the fuck up.. at 8 I learned that Michael Jackson wasn’t just extraordinarily ashy.. he had, in fact, jumped in a cocoon and came out a hideous white woman.. at 12 I learned that only white people eat Grape Nuts.. at 16 I learned who The Beatles were, then proceeded to not give a fuck for the duration of my modest existence.. at 21 I learned it was all pink in the middle.. and somewhere along my merry way, I learned that there is no conceivable sum of swag on the entire fucking Earth that will permit you to save face should you be spotted beatin’ up your speakers to the wrong shit in public..

So to school niggas on proper stereo etiquette, I’ve rallied the troops, loaded the cannons, and we’ve taken to the friendly skies to drop ether on your delicate ass playlist.. ladies and gentlemen, I present..

The Top 6 Songs A Black Man Should Never Bump In Public.

Rick Astley. "Never Gonna Give You Up".


The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™: Michael McDonald, Michael Bolton, and Michael Jackson be damned, this is the blackest white song ever.. ever? EVER.. that said, is imitation truly the bastard child of flattery? We got this bootleg ass Doogie Howser MD goin’ clean the fuck off with the vocals, and contrary to popular belief, his two step game is superb.. in fact, fuck what them throwback niggas in the club tell you, Mr. Astley was impregnated by Soul Power and gave birth to the default special move of niggas high-yellow to "floating teeth-purple" everywhere; the iniquitous two-step.. we modern day negroids can lay a reluctant claim to snap music and Crayola box-inspired jewelry, but Rick and his melanin deficiencies hold the sole copyrights to the two-step and their ensuing blues.. every nigga on Earth who can’t dance for shit should get on bended knee, shove Boyz II Men out the way, and pay their respects by making sweet love to his pinky ring.. he’s got the moves, the shades, and some random, spandex-clad nigga running up the wall in his video? How in the red, white, and blue fuck is it even remotely possible to hate on my honorary nigga Rick? That said, somebody’s gun is still destined to go off in your direction should you chose to bump this junt in public.. and sans warning, should you be dumb brave enough to do so anyway, you better pray to God you hit nothing but green lights.. I’m bad with numbers, but that zero to 60 ain’t seein’ those eight in the chamber, homie..


Mr. Jolla: Toledo Two-Stepping motherfucker…This Pre-Robin Thicke son of a bitch didn’t just have the nerve to sound authentic-Black…he didn’t just have the nerve to be doing a move reminiscent of Carlton singing Tom Jones…he had the unmitigated gall to have SamBo Jackson hard at work in this video. This NIGGA was working the bar, taking out trash, cutting grass, edged up Rick Astley’s sideburns AND ran up a wall and did a back-flip…complete with gay pose at the end like he was waiting to be judged for his point total. Okay, only two of those aforementioned things took place, but you better believe that the back-flip was one of them. That being said, the song itself isn’t even bad…but there’s no way you can sit in your ride with your rims all shined up, fitted on backwards…scratch that…fitted ON…and bump this shit unapologetically. It’s not happening. If you’re so bold to have this shit playing and get pulled up on by ANY race, you better have your hand remotely close to the "change track" button, and act like it’s the radio or some shit.

*Looks Over and makes that "Damn I can’t Believe They’re Playing This" face*

"Damn….I haven’t heard this shit in ages! Classic….ah well." And change that fucking "channel" fam…we’re trying to save lives here…


A Genius: Truest of stories, I had NO IDEA what yall niggas were talking about with this shit. I’ve never seen the title…never seen the name. None of that shit. I wanted to participate so I jumped on Limewire and DLed that shit quick fast and I must say…yall niggas are the gayest straight niggas in the world for even knowing anything about this shit. Yall should be ashamed…seriously. I got 24 seconds into that shit and threw my central processing unit clean out the fucking window. Violation! Somebody needs to shoot. I know one damn thing…yall niggas need to pool some cake and get me another computer. Yall niggas owe me for this shit. That was seriously the gayest 24 seconds of my life. I have to do some super fucking to redeem and cleanse myself of that shit. I’m going to throw on the cape like a Magic player, no HIV…but I feel sorry for my girl tonight. I’m gonna hit her heart like a love song. Fuck listening in public…you’re not allowed to listen to that shit AT ALL. PERIOD. That shit was 80’s gay…the worst kind of gay there is. I will be typing the remainder of this shit on my Dash.


Crack No Rehab: I am hip to this song because of family guy and fuck what Teef said this is my shit. That is it would be my shit but my love of vagina over powers my urge to press play. Rick Astley was getting bitches off this though. His swag must have been epic, "Hey Rick, we gonna dress you up for the video shoot?" He said fuck the 80’s fuck that flashy shit, give me a fresh pair of Dockers and let me roll up my sleeves. Niggas was on 10 layers of make up, 6 inch heels, David Boey shit and he came through and said "Not Me." But that didn’t carry though to his music cause I don’t care this shit is gay, inflation makes it even gayer now then it was in the 80’s. You get 2 points on your license and 3 tickets to Broadway automatically for bumping this. White people can’t even sleep easy on this one cause I’ll pull Trent’s card too if I catch him slipping.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

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10:37 AM

i be off that kryptonite.

Posted by The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™

Beyonce and her lopsided eyebrows can kick rocks.




“If I Were A Boy” is a sonic smear campaign of epic proportions.. I mean, what the fuck? What office is she running for with this nonsense? Obama ALREADY pulled off the combo breaker of the century.. stop being greedy! Fall back and join the ride, on some Hilary Clinton shit.. If I was Hov, I’d bitch slap her with my bottom lip for such insolence..

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone

Really, Beyonce?

Is that what you did to to LaTavia & LeToya? Or did you reserve the rights on that special move for Ms. Farrah Franklin?

Seriously though, are you dense? Why turn that junt off when I can just put the phone on silent and just ignore your ass to my heart's content? My phone is my sole conduit to the rest of the free world.. what would life be like without photoshopped picture mail spam of grandmothers juggling their own gravity ravaged breasts? You know how much merriment was welcomed into my world the morning of the 25th, when ex-girlfriends I literally forgot existed forwarded me texts wishing me a Merry Christmas? Sure, they sent the same one to about a hundred other people, but that’s beside the point.. my phone is my LIFE.. I mean, damn.. how else do you think I spend so much time on ESPN.com and Hoopsworld? You really think I’m about to deny myself the God given right to MY OWN PHONE by turning it off just to ignore YOUR calls? Nigga, are you serious? I went to the crib and fell asleep! Don’t believe me? Smell my finger! Shit!

I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

Yeah, cuz women NEVER put THEMSELVES first, Ms. Knowles.. if I see a woman gettin’ her ass beat on the street by a renegade bum, am I not expected to throw on the cape, stop the madness, and dropkick homepiss in the temple?

Yes.

If I’M getting MY ass kicked up and down the street by said belligerent bum, and ol’ girl bears witness to ME gettin’ served like Raz B's prostate, do you truly believe, in your heart of hearts, that she’ll lift a finger to captain MY black ass? I wouldn’t even ask for much! Just pelt homepiss with a rock and run! Or hell, jump in your ride and Halle Berry his ass.. 5-0 comes? I didn’t see SHIT!



But would any of the above happen? Nope.. cuz she’s selfish! So FUCK YOU, Beyonce!

Seriously though, the more I analyze this song, the more I truly believe she’s sneak dissin’ Jay-Z.. I mean, it’d make perfect sense.. that IS what rappers do, right? Them niggas will pop off on wax ALL FUCKIN’ DAY, hog tie a nigga's moms and decorate their chillins with bullet holes, but when the DJ puts a mic in their face and asks for clarification, they get to tap dancin’ like Gregory Hines.. if you have a problem with your 42 year old pet camel fucking everyone and their grandmother on his albums & snackin' on your front lawn, take it up with that nigga and stop empowering the kids MY black ass has to deal with, with your bullshit..

The Greatest Rapper of All Time, that's Nas for you small bus niggas, made a song about fucking the entire free world-- and Kelis did the damn INTRO on that junt! Talk about the ultimate co-sign.. “Yeah, bitch! You gave him Trick, but he’s fucking ME now! He’s miiiiiiiiiiine, you may have had him once, but I got him all the tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime..” Now THAT’S a ride or die chick.. you think Beyonce would do that? Hell AND no.. she’d snatch the mic, dance like Carlton Banks, and assault our eardrums with that terrible Charlie’s Angels song..

But since I’m an equal opportunity dude, I got something for you too, Beyonce.. cuz you and your mythical band of faultless harlots aren’t above public crucifixion either.. I'm taking the tar and guilitine to your monkey ass.. Somebody cue up Reason.. I got that Large Pro remix on deck, complete with Young Jeezy adlibs, got dammit..

If I was a girl
I’d wait ‘til your sleepy
Then begin a 7 hour conversation about why you don’t like my mother
Then cry & bitch when you don’t wanna talk
Cuz you have to be up for work in 4 hours

If I had a vagina
I’d buy a tight ass dress knowing rent is due in 2 days
Then ask you if it makes me look fat
Knowing gotdamn well it does
Then cry uncontrollably when you confirm that fact and call you a jerk

If I had some titties
I’d cry about nothing
The mail late? Nigga, I’m crying
No gas in my car? Nigga, I’m crying

If I could conceive
I’d buy me a weave
And some fake nails, and some make up, and a girdle
And a push up bra
Then tell you how you look like shit
And remind you of how fine I am

If I had two X chromosomes
I’d invite you to my home
Then act funny when you try to take the pussy
Even though you just spent $200 on dinner
But we can’t have a second date? Nigga, I’m crying

Fuck you, Beyonce!

FIN.

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